Glume / Jokes

[-Apex]

@QweenTalking and wasting so much time & power to explain to yakomos an important subject during the meeting....

@Qween finally finished her speech and she said: Yakomos Did you listen to what i said !? 

@YaKoMoS: Nope 🥱

@Qween again:  Oh Fu**ing Hell 🤦‍♂️

Me and The boys (@Meh Rez vM ! ♫ @HiTLeR. @XZoro™ @Loenex @Agent 47' @Revo 324@-Dark..etc) after her reaction: 🤣 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[-Apex]

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

[-Apex]

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

[-Apex]

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

[-Apex]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

[-Apex]

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

[-Apex]

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

[-Apex]

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
 

[-Apex]

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

[-Apex]

Amanda asks Wendy:
- You're cool?
- Of course.
"Then put your head in your mouth!"

[-Apex]

1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?

[-Apex]

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Submitted by: Michael Trew Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Woman : Who cares?!
(Use as an example of a sexist joke.)

[-Apex]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[-Apex]

Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

[Revo]

1- Wherever we keep money , our sons steals it. I don't know what to do about it , where do i Kepp the money?
2- Keep it in his Books. He Never touches them...

[Miss Fix It]

It's about a teacher. 

Children, why do parents send oxen to school?

Why professor?

To keep the cows at home.

[-P A I N-]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie, He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

 

the father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

 

the son says, "i did some schoolwork." the robot slaps the son.

 

the son says, "OK, OK. i was at a friend's house watching movies."

 

dad asks, "what movie did you watch?" 

 

son says, "Toy Story." the robot slaps the son.

 

Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching porn." 

 

Dad says, "WHAT? At your age i didn't even know what porn was." 

 

the robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son. "the robot slaps the mother.

[-P A I N-]

Question: What Is The Longest Word In English Language

Answer: "Smiles" because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

[-P A I N-]

Did You Hear About The Mathematician Who's Afraid Of Negative Numbers?

He Will Stop At Nothing To Avoid Them.

[-P A I N-]

[Amaterasu イタチ]

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize !