[Lifestyle] How to avoid being a toxic friend

[Wolf.17]

 

A few simple steps to improve your relationships can help make sure you are the kind of friend you would wish to have yourself.

Human beings are notoriously inept at recognising our failings. We may complain about another person's arrogance, ignorance or stupidity, without ever considering the enormous flaws that they may find in our characters.

This blind spot will be evident in each of our friendships. Without ever meaning to do harm, our thoughtless actions hurt the people we love best. I'm talking about casual cruelty rather than deliberate unkindness – but the consequences of these slip-ups are damaging.

While writing my recent book on the science of social connection, I discovered that "ambivalent relationships" – people who blow both hot and cold – can cause even more harm to wellbeing than purely spiteful figures who are predictably unpleasant. Fortunately, research findings can help us develop simple-yet-powerful strategies to identify our worst habits and mitigate their damage. Here are my five favourite lessons to avoid being an accidental frenemy.

Be consistent

No one likes to be kept in a state of uncertainty – a fact that can be seen in people's responses to physical pain. Archy de Berker at the UCL Institute of Neurology in the UK, and his colleagues, asked people to play a computer game that delivered a mild electric shock whenever they found a snake hiding under a virtual rock. To examine the effects of uncertainty on the stress response, the researchers varied how likely it would be that a rock would be hiding a snake across the course of the experiment, and measured the physiological signs of anxiety – such as sweat and pupil dilation. 

 

Quite surprisingly, the participants tended to show a more pronounced stress response when there was only a 50% chance of being shocked, compared with scenarios when they knew for certain that the pain was coming. 

Fairweather behaviour may put the people around us in a similar state of anticipation. In studies investigating unpredictable friendships, scientists ask participants to imagine going to a friend for advice, understanding or a favour. They ask them to respond to the following questions, on a scale of one (not at all) to six (extremely):

• How helpful is your connection?

• How upsetting is your connection?

Anyone who elicits two or more on both questions is considered an "ambivalent connection" – and the inherent doubt about their reaction can be a serious source of stress. In one study, simply knowing that their ambivalent friends were sitting in the next room was enough to raise participants' blood pressure.

 

We may not always be able to provide the support our friends need, but we can try to be a little more reliable in our responses. We might learn to manage our bad moods better, for example, so that we do not lash out if our friends approach us at the wrong moment – rather than placing them at the whim of our emotional weather.

Avoid the illusion of transparency

Each of us is trapped in our own minds, but we overestimate how well others can read our emotional state – a phenomenon that is sometimes known as the illusion of transparency.

This may be evident at job interviews: we assume that our nerves are written all over our face – but the anxious feelings are often far more difficult to discern than we realise. This common cognitive error may also prevent us from sharing our appreciation of others, giving them the impression that they are neglected and undervalued.

Amit Kumar, at the University of Texas at Austin, and Nicholas Epley, at the University of Chicago, asked groups of participants to write letters of gratitude to important people in their lives. Using surveys to measure the letter writers' expectations and the recipients' actual reactions, the researchers found that people consistently underestimated how surprised the other person would be to receive their kind words, and how good it would make them feel. They assumed that the other person already knew how grateful they were.

 

It is, of course, possible that our body language will convey our warmth and appreciation to others, but we can't rely on that fact – meaning that we would often do far better to express those feelings in words.

Validate others' feelings (but nudge them to consider new perspectives)

When someone is going through a hard time, they will often naturally seek understanding from others. An empathetic response can validate their feelings, which eases some of their stress. A toxic friend may be highly dismissive or judgemental about your feelings – resulting in a sense of rejection that only adds to the person's emotional burden.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20241129-how-to-avoid-being-a-toxic-friend