[Lifestyle] ‘Anarchy’ Is Not a New York City Crisis. It’s a Lifestyle.

[_Happy boy]

 

 

 

My fellow anarchists of New York City:

OK, it looks like the jig is up. The government is on to us. The White House recently labeled New York City an “anarchist jurisdiction,” along with those felt-wearing, Teva-sniffers in Portland and Seattle.

Come on! The first rule of New York City Anarchy Club is nobody talks about New York City Anarchy Club.

Who squealed to the Feds?

Still: There’s nothing to be embarrassed by.

If you live in New York City, you know anarchy isn’t a dirty word—it’s a lifestyle. This is a town that gave the world the chaotic greatness of the Ramones, Lou Reed, Public Enemy, street-cleaning double-parking and the 1986 Mets. This is town where jaywalking is a right, where a crosswalk is a mere suggestion, where real-estate agents show studio apartments with

toilets in the kitchens, and, if you don’t give a stranger a middle finger before 9 a.m., you’re living completely wrong.

Anarchy is in the water here, like fluoride, and toilet alligators.
This town embraces chaos. New York City is home to LaGuardia Airport, the most haywire travel hub in the history of humankind. Have you ever flown out of LaGuardia? When they scan your ticket, they just look at you, laugh, and say “Sorry.” If you haven’t been delayed six hours at LaGuardia and eaten a soft pretzel for dinner, you’re not officially a New Yorker.

Anarchy is in the water here, like fluoride, and toilet alligators. New York City remains a place where you can order weed and a lobster at 2 a.m., where people light fireworks on a Tuesday night just because, and if you can’t fit your brand new couch up your staircase, some guy named Gus will come with a chain saw and slice it up right there on the sidewalk, like a brisket. Then Gus will carry your Frankencouch upstairs and magically stitch it together—all for the low, low price of $1100.

Everyone knows this. None of it is new. I don’t get what point the Feds are trying to make.

Have the Feds ever stepped into a New York City Trader Joe’s on a Sunday? Have the Feds ever tried to call an NYC cable company and asked them to fix the cable? Have the Feds ever been to a Brooklyn open house for a two-bedroom apartment under $1 million?

Have the Feds ever watched the Knicks?

They have no idea what anarchy is.