How to detect a mani[CENSORED]tor and disarm its intrigues

[Inkriql]

The mani[CENSORED]tion of people, when seasoned with cruelty, has engendered some of the episodes that have most shocked the world: Hitler, Mussolini and Bernard Madoff are after some of the best known in contemporary history. But you don't have to be a dictator or destabilize the world economy to be a dangerous mani[CENSORED]tor. Each one on his scale, can be a boss, a friend, a colleague, a father, a son ... And, although the mani[CENSORED]tor usually places insecure people in need of esteem, we can all fall into his trap, always that we possess some interesting power or value for him. It may be so close that it is not possible to flee, sometimes you cannot even maintain a healthy distance, but there are guidelines to break your pernicious influence.

A mani[CENSORED]tive person appears friendly and charming. Shortly after, begins to colonize the mind of those in front with absurd weavings. It progresses and its behavior becomes that of an authentic tyrant, admired, respected and feared. Without hardly realizing it, the victim falls into a spiral of guilt and emotional demolition. "The sensation it causes is intimidation, lack of freedom and restlessness. Not being able to act without fear that the result is not to your liking," warns the psychologist at the Cristina Mae Wood Human Area clinic.

Yes, it is true that we can act with this type of entanglement at a given time, with the purpose of fulfilling a certain objective, but there is a big difference between doing it from time to time and being a handling professional, something that meets around 3% of the po[CENSORED]tion, according to the French psychotherapist Isabelle Nazare-Aga. But how do we know if we have any of them nearby?

The professor of Psychiatry José Luis Carrasco Perera, responsible for the Blue Healthcare Personality unit gives us a very clear clue: "When it can be demonstrated that, in a habitual way, it provides information to people in a biased, partial and deceptive way with the object to control their will. "

It is not, according to the psychiatrist, a premeditated and designed construction, but something that happens by default in an immature personality. "Mani[CENSORED]tion is a resource to deception as a way of obtaining esteem and defending a self-conscious and frightened self that underlies the unconscious," he explains. But it is not necessary to investigate in the depths of the psychology of an individual to know if it is prone to mani[CENSORED]tion, there are unequivocal signs that allow it to be identified.
He pretends to be a humble and captivating being

"The most characteristic thing," says Carrasco, "is the strategy of being close to people and suggesting that others may pose a threat. It provokes in them the feeling of 'you can trust me and only me.' The mani[CENSORED]tive person must be captivating. and apparently humble. In the face of what it might seem, from anger and domination it is not possible to mani[CENSORED]te. " The second trait that betrays them is their ability to generate feelings of guilt in the other, showing excessive helplessness that is supposedly the result of lack of help. Thus, the person you intend to mani[CENSORED]te feels that you have a power that you are not generously using.

"It is often a behavior learned during childhood, when the child realizes that he can handle adults at will and use emotional blackmail for survival," Mae Wood emphasizes. And it must be profitable, since it is not an exclusive attitude of human beings. According to a study published by researchers from the Max Planck Institute, in collaboration with several universities, in the Journal of Comparative Psychology, chimpanzees are also able to show similar behavior, and blackmail the rest of the group if they access more Easy to a reward.

Mae Wood finds that this disrespectful and aggressive form of communication, whose clear objective is to achieve what one wants without taking into account the wishes or needs of the other person, is present in three types of psychopathies: narcissistic, antisocial and borderline personalities. "In the first case - narcissism - the individual, absorbed in his delusions of greatness, beauty and power, acts with arrogance, absolute lack of empathy and believing that he enjoys more rights than anyone. On the other hand, the antisocials mani[CENSORED]te according with its impulsive or aggressive temperament, and without any remorse.In the limit personalities, mani[CENSORED]tion originates in their emotional immaturity, fears and feeling of emptiness.It goes from the extreme idealization of its victim to ruthless devaluation.Its main weapons are victimhood, emotional blackmail and the threat of suicide. "
Deactivate yourself to disarm the instigator

"We must understand," explains Carrasco, "that the mani[CENSORED]tor acts out of pure selfishness and knows how to point to our weaknesses. His weapon is the mani[CENSORED]ted person. That is why, once we have detected him, we have to deactivate ourselves, stop listening to his emissions, deafen your exclusive communication with us and extend it to other people. Let's not forget that the mani[CENSORED]tive person needs the mani[CENSORED]ted as isolated as possible. " It is best not to give any value to their criticisms or compliments. "If you have to communicate with him, use short and fuzzy phrases, better with humorous and ironic tone," adds Mae Wood. Of course, one must be forgiving and kind to oneself because he is not to blame for the situation.

The main thing of any strategy is, for these experts, to prevent emotional blackmail from generating guilt or discomfort, and controlling us in such a way that we end up acting under fear, obligation or pressure. Submission strengthens you. "The worst thing is that, sometimes, it acts so subtly that everything happens without hardly realizing it, and when we are aware we have already modified our behavior," says the psychologist.

To take charge, Wood advises training strategies and resources, changing and proactively managing the situation. This involves working on self-esteem to feel strong and reduce insecurities and guilt. From there, he recommends the following roadmap: "Go one step ahead and prepare the conversations by learning from past situations, and focusing on the goal without letting yourself get entangled. In the face of aggressiveness or disrespect, attention should be withdrawn , set limits and be enforced. " Instead of defense, the psychologist proposes collaboration and assertiveness: "Communicate without defending yourself, do not apologize, do not give up, do not give up. Value that you may be right. There you will leave him bewildered and without arguments."

Your suggestion is to make use of the sense of humor and stand firm in opinions and decisions, but without giving too many explanations. "The fewer words, the better. They are very skilled and the more information they have, the more you will make it easier for them to turn your criteria around and the more likely they will convince you or make you doubt." A good tactic not to bend is, according to the psychologist, to keep in mind our basic rights at all times: the right to be treated with respect, to reject requests without feeling guilty, to express your feelings, to change your mind, to ask, to decide what you do with your body, time and property, to make mistakes and take responsibility for them, to make your needs as important as those of others and, of course, to do what you want as long as you do not violate the rights of another person . It is the definitive golden rule. It may not correct the mani[CENSORED]tor, but it will change the way you are in your world.