I’m a newly single mother and confused about my sexuality

[Hossam Taibi]

You and your ex’s roles as parents should be foremost in your mind, says Mariella Frostrup, not your sexuality

The dilemma I am 21 and I have a four-month-old son with my boyfriend of four years. We broke up a month ago. Our relationship was full of ups and downs. Since the break up, I’ve noticed my attraction to women is very strong. I’m intimidated by the thought of having sex with a man at the moment and have realised that in every relationship I’ve had, I’ve never been truly satisfied sexually, even with the father of my son. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. I still love him deeply and care for him, but the way my body excites when I think of a woman is completely different to how it excites to men. I always suppressed how I felt with women, because I thought it had to do with the fact my first sexual encounter was being molested by a woman. I’m confused. I’ve only been in romantic relationships with men and I’ve never (with consent) been sexual with a woman, yet I feel such attraction to them. My mind is flooded with questions and I just can’t seem to understand what is happening.

Mariella replies So let’s focus. I appreciate your sexuality is a concern, but perhaps not your most important one right now. Being molested by this woman may well have created a trigger for you and if that continues to play on your mind then I recommend you seek professional help (Women’s Aid, 0808 2000 247, womensaid.org.uk). A good therapist will be able to guide you through the subliminal trauma and unpick the legacy of an experience that will be contributing to your state of confusion.

You begin your letter by saying you split up with the father of your baby. Forgive me for presuming that your main preoccupation in the aftermath of that is how to best raise your child. Instead, just four weeks after separation you’re focused on which sex you physically gravitate toward. Let’s presume it’s a form of post-traumatic emotional-displacement disorder. I’m sorry that you and his father are no longer together, but if it turns out you prefer women it’s probably for the best. Raising a child alone is hard work, requiring patience, time and an awful lot of loving; raising a child with the wrong person is equally, if not more, challenging.

Luckily at the first glimpse of our baby, most of us are overwhelmed by a tsunami of love that carries us through the challenges ahead and makes the sacrifices seem bearable. But there will be grey days, long nights and what feel like simply impossible periods, and having someone who has your back is incredibly valuable for you and your baby. If it’s at all possible to keep your ex involved in your lives you should be working on it.