Your alternative resolutions for a guilt-free 2019

[Hossam Taibi]

Yes we are three days into January, otherwise known as Dry January, Back To The Gym Jan, Giving Up Bad Stuff and Taking Up Good Stuff Janvier. This was always the month of self improving resolutions, and now it’s basically compulsory. So, if you happen to be a resolution denier - if you don’t see why you should be forced into living like Mark Wahlberg just because it’s the start of a new year - your best bet is to go with some ‘alternative’ resolutions, less New Year New You more whatever amuses you. Here are some I prepared earlier:

To not give up drink in January

.or do anything, throughout the year, that qualifies as ‘Lemming ’. (Lemming is the modern habit of adopting something simply because everyone else is). This year Lemming things we deliberately will not be doing, include: banging on about how good Olivia Colman is in The Favourite. Banging on about Ottolenghi Simple (but never actually opening Ottolenghi Simple). Banging on about how much we are looking forward to the new Big Little Lies/Fleabag (generally behaving like the person who has read and memorised the year’s cultural round up).

To not buy eggs

This is not an anti-egg policy, this is an attempt to reverse some wasteful habits, one of which is buying eggs as a back up, so we can always have scrambled eggs, and then never getting around to having scrambled eggs. Other habits in this vein include: stockpiling bubblewrap, just in case, and falling for the 3 for 2 litre bottles of conditioner offer.

To buy more haloumi

Because it lasts about a year in the fridge - see above –which makes it a guaranteed guilt free food purchase

To implement a personal phone ban

I mean actually ban it:  at the table; in front of the TV; whenever there is someone present too old or too young to give a stuff what’s trending on Twitter. Ban us in your restaurants, restaurateurs! Shame us in your homes, friends! We took smoking outside, it hurt, but we’re all happier and healthier for it.