Two to Tango: When couples need to get back to ‘being polite’

[Halcyon.]

We all put our best foot forward when we start out in a relationship – looking our best, saying the right things and being our polite self. But somewhere along the way, the more we get into a comfort zone with our partners we tend to drop our guards in our interactions. Without even realising it, we stop being polite, stop minding our manners and even stop something as basic as “basic courtesies” to one another.
Take the case of Ashu and Ronit. During their courtship period, Ashu never got to see Ronit’s angry side, since they never really faced any such situation then. But after they got married and small fights ensued, Ashu was shocked to see Ronit’s rude side. “I had no idea he could be so abusive. When he is angry, nothing can calm him down and he goes into this barrage of expletives, which leaves me feeling really hurt and disgusted. Agreed we stay together all the time, but it should not be a no-holds-barred venting out. He apologises sincerely after that for his behaviour but I somehow can’t come to terms with all the abuses he hurled at me when angry,” she says.

Experts say that while most couples feel that it’s fine to say whatever one wants just because you are in a relationship, the fact is that words once spoken cannot be taken back. The damage done is sometimes irreparable.
This is what happened with Kunal and Meghna. When they got married, they both loved to socialise a lot. But Kunal realised that when they were in public, Meghna loved being in the limelight and would often put Kunal down without even realising it.
“She would butt in while I was still speaking – oh you don’t know anything; or you have no idea or sometimes – you shut up…I felt really belittled and resentful. We always ended up fighting when we came back home. Sometime she would apologise and sometimes she would accuse me of overreacting. But what I couldn’t deal with was the lack of basic decency that I expected her to adopt towards me,” says Kunal.
Counsellors say that lack of politeness towards each other is one of the most common reasons for trouble between partners. And, though, people are aware that rudeness or impolite behaviour will negatively impact the relationship, many people refuse to take it seriously, which, counsellors say, is the beginning of the end of the relationship.
That’s because the moment one feels that the partner does not respect him/her enough to be civilised towards one another, there is nothing much left to base the relationship on.
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Experts strongly suggest that couples must regularly step back and review how one behaves with the partner – in speech and behaviour, before it’s too late. They also say that if you have stopped treating your partner with the same courtesies and decencies that you started out with, then you both need to review your communication skills. Make sure that you are not so comfortable with each other that you forget that the other needs to be treated decently, politely and with as much respect as you, they add.
Once both partners have that awareness, the relationship will get a sound and “decent” foundation.